A child was ask to give a report on the entire bible and this is what he wrote:
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, water and gas. The bible says, “The LORD your God is one.” But I think He has to be older than one. Anyway, “God said, give me a light,” and some one gave Him a light. Then God made the world. He spilt the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked but not embarrassed because mirrors had not been invented. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one rotten apple so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. I don’t know what they were driven in, I don’t think they had cars back then. Adam and Eve had a son whose name was Cain and he hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Noah was one very important person in the Old Testament but one of his sons was a Ham . Noah built this huge boat and put some animals on it, he asked his neighbors to join him but they said they would take a rain check. Then there was this man named Jacob who was more important than his brother Esau. Jacob talked Esau into trading him birthmark for a bowl of soup.
Jacob had 12 sons but one of them stood out because he wore a really loud sports coat made of many colors. Joseph was as smart as a whip but his bothers were as dumb as a rock. Another guy I really like is Moses; he was the cool dude who lead the Israel Lights out of Egypt. Moses shook his stick at Pharaoh and brought on the ten Plagues. I can’t remember all ten but there was lice, mice and nothing nice. He send gnats, frogs, hail and quale. Pharaoh also took their cell phone and cut off their cable.
God took Moses up on this high mountain and shattered a rock with his bare fist and then God shot fire out of his finger and wrote the Ten Commandment. I did learn all Ten:
- Don’t let anyone or anything come before God.
- Don’t make carved images.
- Don’t use God name when you mad.
- Remember Sunday and go to church.
- Humor your father and mother.
- Don’t murder stuff.
- Don’t take what don’t belong to you.
- Don’t cheat on your wife.
- Don’t tell lies on your neighbor even if he’s a jerk.
- Don’t drink, smoke, chew tobacco or covet your neighbor’s new Polaris Ranger.
And yeah, I know general Joshua who fought the battle of Geritol and the walls came tumbling down. Then there was David who became king by killing a giant with his sling shot. David had a spoiled son name Solomon who had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. My teacher said he was wise but he doesn’t sound wise to me because he had 1,000 mother-in-laws. I can’t imagine buying 1,000 birthday presents. If his wives were like my mom, Solomon had 1,000 bosses. He just doesn’t sound that wise.
Then there were the minor league prophets. Men like Jonah who was a hardhead. He did not want to obey God so he went deep sea fishing and he hooked a fish so big that it pulled him overboard. Then the fish swallowed Jonah. God was through with Jonah so He made the fish sick at its stomach and it barfed Jonah up on the beach.
Then there is the New Testament. Jesus is the Star of the New Testament. He was born in a born. I may have been born in a barn myself because my mother is always saying, “Close the door, were you born in a barn?” During His life time, Jesus had a lot of run ins with the Pharisees and Republicans. Jesus had 12 disciples and one of them was bad to the bone. His name was Judas Asparagus. He was so bad that they named him after a terrible vegetable. Jesus was great; he could heal leopards and he preached famous sermons like: the Germans on the mount.
The Pharisees and Republican kept on until they got Jesus arrested. Jesus stood trial before Pontius Pilot. He is the one who flew Jesus to Egypt when he was a baby. The bible says, In the days of Herod the king, when Pontius was Pilate, Joseph took flight to Egypt. He may have been good at flying air planes but he was a lousy judge. He didn’t even try to do the right thing, he just washed his hands and threw in the towel.
Anyway, Jesus died because of our sins but He didn’t stay dead; maybe He just took a long nap. He appeared out of nowhere and spooked His Disciples. Then He went up to heaven but He said He was coming back someday.